You know that moment when someone builds up a joke, you’re waiting for the punchline, and then… nothing? That’s the lovely art of anti jokes. They’re the rebels of the comedy business, breaking every norm and leaving you somewhere between perplexed and chuckling.
I recall making my first anti joke at a gathering, watching faces go from expectation to uncertainty, and then erupting into unexpected laughter. These jokes don’t follow the script, they don’t rely on smart language or surprising twists—they just are.
And somehow, that makes them funnier than typical jokes could possibly be. If you’re weary of formulaic humor and ready to embrace the magnificently commonplace, you’re in the right spot.
Anti Jokes One-Liners
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
A man walks into a bar. He says “ouch” because it hurt.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they’re extinct.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a bus.
What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish. Wait, that’s a regular joke. Forget it.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people leave, realizing the danger of the situation.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor?
Why don’t ants get sick? They actually do, they have immune systems just like other organisms.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, assuming they know what they’re doing.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and cannot feel fear.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Stolen property that you should return.
Knock knock. Who’s there? A person who wants to enter your home.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, I’ve never been there.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you make holy water? You don’t. It’s blessed by religious authorities.
What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. Actually, that’s offensive. Let’s move on.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He didn’t. Scarecrows can’t win awards.
Anti Jokes for Kids
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed, meaning he had eaten enough food already.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A bear with a dental problem that needs to see a veterinarian.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It didn’t. Cookies are inanimate objects.
What animal is always at a baseball game? None specifically, though some stadiums allow service animals.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because someone didn’t use the kickstand properly.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot, but only if you’re mispronouncing “carrot” really badly.
How do you catch a squirrel? You probably shouldn’t. Wildlife should generally be left alone.
What did the zero say to the eight? Nothing. Numbers cannot speak.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they don’t have mouths or brains.
What has four wheels and flies? An airplane with a standard four-wheel landing gear.
Where do cows go on vacation? Nowhere. Cows don’t take vacations.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull that is currently asleep.
Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because he needed to reach something high up.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to call for repairs and maybe animal control.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because of the lycopene pigment that develops as it ripens.
What do you call a fish without eyes? A fish with a congenital defect or injury.
How do you make a tissue dance? You cannot. Tissues don’t have the biological capability to dance.
What’s a cat’s favorite color? Cats cannot communicate color preferences to us.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It didn’t. Bananas don’t have healthcare needs.
What do clouds wear under their clothes? Nothing. Clouds are water vapor and don’t wear clothing.
Why did the girl throw butter out the window? That seems wasteful and potentially dangerous to people below.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Nothing, because they’re different species and can’t reproduce together.
Why was the math book sad? It wasn’t. Books don’t have emotions.
What goes up but never comes down? Many things, if you send them into space with enough velocity.
How do you organize a space party? You would need significant planning and probably NASA’s involvement.
Anti Jokes for Adults
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle? Their fashion choices and vehicle preferences.
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks the man to leave because animals aren’t allowed inside for health code reasons.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Actually, they do. Atomic theory is fundamental to modern science.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? Broken, and you should probably get a new one.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Nobody knows. They never get the house.
What’s the difference between your job and your wife? Your job still sucks after five years. Wait, that’s relationship advice, not an anti joke.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It didn’t. Beverages cannot file legal complaints.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Probably on television with good commentary.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Some probably would if they were cannibals and encountered clowns.
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but plastic wrap came to his office? He probably asked him to put on proper clothing.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He didn’t. That’s not a realistic career trajectory.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? A fish that someone put a bowtie on, which is weird.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.” Actually, that’s a science joke. Pretend I didn’t say that.
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Probably for not meeting performance standards or workplace violations.
What’s the leading cause of divorce? Legal proceedings initiated by married couples who no longer wish to be married.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They do, metaphorically, in paleontology debates all the time.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? “Can I have a hot dog with everything, please?”
How do you kill a circus? You don’t. That would be arson and murder.
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? He’s dead, so he doesn’t have preferences anymore.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool. Dammit, that’s a regular joke again.
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison? A small person with claimed supernatural abilities who is now a fugitive.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent. Also, they’re extinct.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? About $35 and probably the quality of meat and preparation.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family. That got dark fast.
Best Anti Jokes
What’s green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table.
Why did the chicken go to the séance? It didn’t. Chickens don’t believe in the supernatural.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A guy walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? He didn’t. That’s not a documented historical event.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack, “damn,” and a skydiver goes “damn,” whack.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A nun experiencing parasomnia who should consult a sleep specialist.
How do you get a clown off a swing? Hit him with an axe. Jesus, these are getting violent.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”
What’s red and bad for your dental health? Another brick joke? Fine. Punch to the face.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? I already used this format earlier. Consistency, people.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming anyway.
Why don’t blind people skydive? Some actually do, with assistance from trained instructors.
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The bubonic plague.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Wait, that’s not an anti joke. I’m losing it.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe. Actually, that works as an anti joke if the bee is just really indecisive.
What has five fingers but isn’t alive? A glove, obviously.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila. No wait, that’s racist and terrible.
What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind as it hits a windshield? Its thorax.
How do you confuse a fish? Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner. Or just… move things around. Fish get confused easily.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Carrot-scented air freshener or possibly rabbit farts.
Anti Jokes Dark
What’s the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut onions.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm. What’s worse than that? The Holocaust. Yep, we’re going there again.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What do you call a five year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook victim. Okay, that’s too far even for dark anti jokes.
I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
What’s the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche? I don’t have a Porsche in my garage.
Why did the girl drop her ice cream? She was hit by a car. Why did Johnny drop his drink? He was shot.
What’s blue and not heavy at all? Light blue.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. What’s worse? A brick made of asbestos.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?” Then he died alone.
Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
I’d tell you a joke about my abusive father but I only remember the punchline.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What’s worse than ants in your pants? The realization that life is meaningless and we’re all going to die.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. Wait, that’s a regular joke. Because they probably would if they’re eating people anyway.
What’s the hardest part about being a pediatric surgeon? Hiding my erection. No. Absolutely not. That’s not even an anti joke, that’s just disgusting.
Final Thoughts
And there you have it—a compilation of anti jokes so ingeniously unfunny that they cycle back around to being comedic gold. These beauties succeed because they contradict expectations, leaving people in that perfect state of “wait, what?” before the laughter starts in.
Use these at gatherings to confuse your pals, drop them in group conversations to break awkward silences, or reserve them for that one person who thinks they’ve heard every joke in existence. The best part about anti jokes? They never get old because they were never hilarious to begin with.
So go forth and promote the anti-humor doctrine. Remember: sometimes the finest punchline is the absence of one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to someone why a stick is brown and sticky. It’s going to be a long chat.